Bracing for Hate
The other day, a friend asked me if I set goals for my blog. And my answer was something along the lines of no, maybe later. Maybe when I'm done with grad school and have time to think about it. Maybe in the summer or next year or when I unexpectedly come into a large amount of money and endless free time. So thanks, but I'm pretty happy to writing only on those extremely rare occasions when I feel inspired.
This morning while I was driving to work I was listening to the podcast Sleepover, a CBC show that brings three strangers together for 24 hours in a hotel room where they attempt to work out their life problems. In the episode "Sheila vs. the Internet," Sheila Heti, an author, confessed her problem with reading criticisms of her work (and by extension herself) online. She felt like no matter how confident she was that she was producing her best work, she would get dragged down by reading mean comments. After admitting that online criticism is inevitable for anyone who creates something public, the host of Sleepover, Sook-Yin Lee, had the three guests brace themselves for the possibility of criticism by simultaneously shouting out the worst criticisms they could imagine someone giving them. You're lazy, you're wrong, you aren't as smart as you think you are, you're out of shape, you're annoying.
And I realized as I listened that the real reason I don't try to reach more people with my blog, the reason I keep my readership small and my posts infrequent, is not because I'm too busy. It's because I am scared of the possibility of backlash. As long as my friends and my friends' friends are the only ones reading these words, I'm unlikely to hear any criticism.
I have seen how the internet brings out the worst in people. Behind the protection of distance and anonymity, people can be incredibly cruel. They will pounce on a wrongly worded tweet and ruin a person's credibility without giving them a chance to explain. They will lodge verbal assaults and then disappear. Or they will make life miserable for anyone who disagrees with them.
(I'm not talking about you, of course. You are wonderful.)
I've never handled criticism well. I can work myself to tears just thinking about a criticism that someone might make. So I don't share anything until I feel like it's perfect. And since nothing is completely perfect, I find myself making excuses. And extending my self-imposed deadlines. And retreating to reading and watching but not writing or speaking.
I was challenged recently to pick a word of the year- something that I feel like I need to remind myself of every day. The word that I picked for myself for 2017 is "power."
“For the Spirit God gives us does not make us timid, but gives us power, and love, and self-control.
-2 Timothy 1:7
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This is a kind of power that can take a complete nobody and use her to accomplish great things. It's a power that builds without oppressing anyone to get there. It's pure and incredible and impossible to ignore.
This kind of power is not something I need to manufacture from nothing. It's not even based on who I am as a person. By nature, I am timid. I'm fearful and cautious and a complete pushover. BUT the Spirit within me is filled to overflowing with power and love and grace and humility and joy. So this year I will remember the power that is already in me- and I hope live a little more like I know who I really am.
