Patience or Fear?

I'm really good at waiting. No, let me rephrase that. I'm really good at doing nothing. I live my life like I eat breakfast– leisurely and with the least amount of stress possible. 

And I've always seen my ability to wait patiently as a virtue. For all my faults and failures, people are always telling me "You're so patient" and "I wish I had your patience!" Like being able to listen attentively to a six year old's rambling story about pigeons is a prerequisite for sainthood. 

But in the past few months, I've been seeing this endless patience in a new light. In my personal and professional life, I've felt my life being upended by the decisions– or lack of decisions– being made by other people. And my first instinct has been to wait and hope that something changes. Because that is what a good, Christian girl does when she wants something to happen. Pray about it, trust God, and wait. 

But the more time I've spent waiting for change, the more I question why. Why am I letting other people shape the course of my life? Why am I sitting with a decision I know is wrong if I have the power to say that it's wrong? Why do I pretend I don't feel anything when actually my feelings are so strong I'm barely containing them? 

I saw my life going a direction I never wanted it to go which made me feel helpless and frustrated and on top of that I felt guilty that I couldn't just trust God to take care of everything. So then I had to question what it means to trust God.

I had flattened my idea of trust to remaining inactive and letting God do God's work. But what if God's work involves me? And if I never act on my own behalf, is that trust? Or is that fear? Fear that if I speak up I'll be seen as pushy or clingy or needy or incompetent or too much. Fear that if I really put all my effort into something and it fails, then it's me who is inadequate. It's easier to wait patiently and then blame the failure on someone else. 

So what does it mean to trust in God's timing? Does it mean waiting, passive, expectant? Does it mean patiently weathering disappointment when what you waited for never materializes? Does it mean acting on what you believe is right and trusting that God will shape the outcome according to God's will? 

Right now, I think trusting God is doing the hardest thing in the knowledge that God is still in control. For me, sometimes waiting is the hardest thing. Sometimes I want to just keep trying to take control and make the next thing happen, and I need to stop and trust that God is working in ways that I cannot see or comprehend. But other times waiting is the easy way out. It feels safe and familiar to let other people take control, even if I don't like the direction they are taking me. Sometimes I need to push back and trust that God is not surprised by anything that I do. God is not thrown off or worried if I make a mistake. And even in my mistakes, God remains steady and able to redeem all of them. 

So I still haven't fully figured out the difference between patience and fear. One is peaceful and secure and the other is paralyzing and anxious- but the end result is the same. Inaction. 

So I'm learning to pray for clarity in the moments of waiting. Am I waiting in hope or am I waiting out of fear? 

This is my prayer every day lately–

LORD, Help me wait when I need to wait, 

Help me act when I need to act, 

and help me know the difference.