I Could Be Better

I could be a much better person than I am. I could be kinder. More honest. More thoughtful. Bolder. Just all around better. 

By either my nature or something else, I am not overflowing with confidence. So to build myself up when I feel doubtful about my qualifications or think that people might not like me, I used to do what probably a health teacher at some point in my life told me to do- start mentally listing things I like about myself. 

I'm pretty smart. I'm funny. Kids like me. I have green eyes which is apparently the rarest eye color so that makes it a good thing, I think. I know a lot about books. 

Sometimes this exercise does give me a little boost of assurance. But it doesn't take long for me to be reminded of one of the many ways I could be a better human.  

Like when I'm sitting quietly, maybe in church, and I feel myself drifting into comparing myself to someone else, which turns into envy, which gives way to bitterness until I feel my spirit filling with palpable anger. Anger that the world isn't what it should be and anger that my life isn't what I think it should be. 

And the more I sit with my bitterness, the angrier I get with myself for holding on to such an ugly emotion. This is not the kind of person I want to be. This is not the kind of person I am. 

But in that moment, that's exactly the kind of person I am. Brooding, cynical, judgmental, and unkind. 

I obviously don't like to think about that part of myself. I want to think about the version of me that is charming and fun and makes people laugh. Who is a good friend and patient teacher. 

But that's an incomplete image. Yes, I am funny and generous and sincere, but I'm also petty and resentful and impatient. I can't separate one side from the other. 

And this is where the Gospel comes in. The truly wild thing about the message that Christ preached and lived and died to fulfill, is that it meets me in my most unsympathetic, disagreeable, appalling moments and overwhelms me with perfect love and grace. 

God is not like us who, when we see the ugliness spill out of each other, take a step back and reassess. He is unshakeable in His love for us. Never surprised, never pushed off balance by our failings. 

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

Not when we were at our most charming or most saintly or nicest or strongest or best. While we were at our absolute lowest. When we couldn't brainstorm even one thing about ourselves that we liked. He saw us, He loved us, He redeemed us, and He welcomed us in. 

In light of that thought, my confidence list is starting to sound different. 

I am created on purpose. 

I am made whole. 

I am cared for. 

I am significant. 

I am free. 

I am part of a story that is much bigger than me. 

I am accepted. 

I am loved.